seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
tell me about the fingering
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