I just threw up on my dentist
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
