I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
