hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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