i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
