it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
