If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up under a house in Key West
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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