i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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