Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
