I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize