Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
