Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
