i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
