So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
