Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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