I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
