My room smells like vodka and shame
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
