I can tuck mytits in my pants
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
