Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
