well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
