so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
