the condom got lost in my hair
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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