I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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