I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
