She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
