Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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