even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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