you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
