They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
