Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
