guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
