drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
