im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
