my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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