new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
