I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
