I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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