Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
