Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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