He asked to "fluff my boner.."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
