There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Couch. On fire.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
