I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
