A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
