I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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