i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
