i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
