i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
