Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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