You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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