The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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