Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
