I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
