I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
