ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
