i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
