oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
