I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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