How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
