I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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