Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
